Still posting old snippets of journal entries here, this next post deals a lot with BPD feelings that I’d been having, that’s shorthand for Borderline Personality Disorder, which is not something I’ve ever been formally diagnosed with, it’s something that upon reading the DSM and other online diagnostic testing I was fairly certain I had. Which makes sense given my history of trauma and shitty abusive relationships familial or otherwise. Full disclosure I mention smoking marijuana, it helped me a lot during this period with eating disorder issues, sleeping schedules and getting in touch with my feelings. Marijuana is not a cure all but it definitely helped with my cPTSD.
Sometime after May 9th 2017:
Guess who’s back and high again? Star asks themselves a rhetorical question. Like a neurotypical totally might? Without a doubt.
Sat on the balcony for
quite a little while a couple hours and listened to Here Comes a Thought on repeat… I find the repetitive melody and validating lyrics + weed very helpful in accessing my own feelings. Woke up earlier not feeling much more than literal garbage. I’m thinking oversleeping & ignoring my body’s needs might have something to do with how fucked mentally I’m feeling. Was sad/depressed/lonely after my nap and I’m not really sure why (Not that depression needs a reason) – I saw Kasey all weekend. I mean, I do miss Wynne as they’re out of town, but I think I’m just at the point where everything has piled up and I have to pick through the gigantic mess that is my brain to figure out where the smells are coming from.
Ignoring everything like I always do doesn’t help me… you’d think I’d learn but then again survival mechanisms are difficult habits to break.
I think part of it might be that I actually twinged about Wynne and Kasey’s relationship today. I am absolutely certain that I want them to be together/date and jealousy on my part is entirely hypocritical and selfish. I’ve been scaring myself lately with all the weird teenage-esque hyper possessive thoughts I’ve been having about both of them. This NRE (new relationship energy – I’d just started dating Kasey approximately 10 days earlier) is fucking me up. I keep triggering myself about Cameron, bringing him up all the time with them both, mostly Kasey right now since again, Wynne isn’t here. Our relationship was fucked near the end, though I did start learning a lot about myself through our time together.
One discovery I made early on is that I am very attracted to AMAB folx who fuck/queer up their gender expression. Aesthetically and romantically – still on the ace spectrum here fam.
Kasey is gorgeous and always has been. She honestly never reminded me of him before.
OH. Oh damn. It just occurred to me that I’ve been worried about all the dang sex we’ve been having hahahahaha (maniacal laughter continues for a minute). Increased sexual occurrences are increasing my relationship paranoia because Cameron and I had a lot of sex. This was how I deluded myself into thinking we were connected emotionally and assured me that he loved me, despite my brain hating everything about my body. Maybe he did at some point, I don’t understand people’s feelings sometimes – especially when they don’t verbalize them. Anyways he lied to me many times, cheated on me a few times, and left me for his ex – whom he said he also loved. Yes there were warning signs – I was just really extremely bad at valuing myself at the time. I am marginally better in that I won’t tolerate abuse anymore.
Wynne worried me with how they handled having their own feelings for Kasey. It was impulsive and ignored me completely, when … on my end I gave them a lot of consideration about my feelings for Kasey. I had read as much as I was able of that dang book they wanted me to read (“More than two”) and told Wynne as soon as I was sure about wanting another relationship. So forgive me but I’m feeling fucked.
I think I’m scared that they will both leave me for one another -> so my brain is being possessive and defensive to protect me. Except I will never act on those feelings ever again with my partners because that was so fucked and toxic with him.
Sigh. The overwgelming evidence is that Wynne loves me. That Kasey loves me. That this BPD as hell train of thought and anxiety is not based in reality. They apologized for messing up, they didn’t mean to hurt me. Trauma was real, and painful – but it does not define the nature of my relationships.
Trauma was real. Your mother hurt you, your father ignored it. Cameron treated you badly and you know that age/immaturity perhaps was a factor. Fuck them. Trauma hurt you. Still hurts you, retears old scars picks at your brain scabs until they hurt again. But it doesn’t define the nature of your relationships.
Rohan, Wynne, Kasey, Rowan} all love me ❤
FU BPD. Fuck U BPD. Fuck you BPD. Fuck you BPD. Fuck you BPD. Fuck BPD. Fuck off ya bastard.
Here comes a thought is a song from Steven Universe whose soundtrack is now on Spotify – Highly recommend as a coping song.