Questioning My Sexuality

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Four aces (cards) that are all different colors, in the shades of the asexual flag. The Ace of Hearts has purple lettering on a black background, Ace of diamonds has white lettering on a grey background, Ace of clubs – grey on a white background, Ace of spades – black on a purple background.

My girlfriend K said something last night (many moons ago in real time) that at the time I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about. Obviously. Here I am writing about it. She said she’d been prepared to swear off sex completely because she was in love with me and I am largely asexual (demi-sexual). But we have a lot of sex in reality and that made her laugh cutely and say “I guess I made assumptions about asexuals”… I’m paraphrasing here from memory, and she didn’t mean anything by it, asexual people can have sex too – she knows this, but it almost immediately made me feel insecure about my sexual label and whether or not I actually belonged on the ace spectrum.

I am not sexual, sex scenes in visual media make me severely uncomfortable, body noises / secretions make me feel squicky pretty often as intrusive thoughts or sensory issues run wild, innuendos make me feel uncomfortable or squicky depending on how gross or inappropriate the joke is, I am fairly certain from my experiences with large naturalist groups – that seeing tonnes of naked strangers made me nauseas (though I have to add that I always noted everyone had a cute bum because all bums are cute #aesthetic things).

When I am by myself and single (not in romantic relationships) I don’t desire/feel sexually attracted to anyone – yes really.

SO I pondered all morning at work: am I asexual? The answer almost always came back to a self described sex repulsed ace. And also… No. Sometimes I’m super sexual – I suddenly want my partners W and K so much. I want to touch them sexually and make them feel good and I get aroused around them both to varying degrees. So only mostly ace, sometimes sexual with the people that I love romantically. The label I had for myself: Demisexual fits.

On top of that validating thought I came up with an analogy to describe my sexual attraction to my partners, which works in tandem with this neat electricity analogy about demisexuality that I read here:  http://blog.asexual-aces.com/asexual-analogies/the-electricity-analogy . Where potential for sexual attraction = electricity/lights and allosexuals always have access to electricity and asexuals don’t but demisexuals

I am autistic and asexual. My autism tends to make me hyperempathetic most especially with people I love. So I feel it quite keenly when I do something that my partners like or they look at me and I can feel their desire for me like a sexual mirror that reflects their sexuality and sexual attraction/desire back onto me. And I think I respond in kind.

So the mirror here for me, reflects like a beam of desire/tension/light from my partners onto me and that sort of helps the action potential reaction that is my sexual attraction electricity. With W I feel their warm steady desire for me, more often than not, like a candle lit room. It’s not over whelmingly bright but it’s almost always there and comforting. When I’m with them I could bathe in their attention for ever but mostly want warm sleepy cuddles.

With my other partner K it’s different. Her sexuality hits me like a bright hot glow of stage light. I tend to be more sexual with K as a result. Which doesn’t make me any less demi, my sexuality just operates differently with her. Nor does it make my relationship with W any less significant. When all three of us are together though it’s like being hit with double the wattage stage light beams and I end up desiring them both a tonne.

Moral of the story? Sexuality is confusing a lot of the time. It may operate differently with different people and that is A – Okay. Ace okay.

#Gay End ❤

Establishing Feelings 101: The Potassium Conundrum… a checklist of sorts

This was the list I had to write up to actually figure out if I had feelings for my girlfriend Kasey. Potassium’s element symbol being K… cause yeah autistic nerd here.

Being Ace/Demi makes dating fairly complicated as fuck because without initial sexual attraction as a sort of ‘hey I like this person a lot’ guide – navigating romantic feelings versus platonic feelings is a nightmare, at least for me. Almost all of my other relationships have been other people deciding they like me first and then telling me and then I’m like:

OH. What? You like me? That’s weird – I mean cool weird.

Which tends to open me up to romantic possibilities. I just tend to interact affectionately with everyone I’m friends with, if they’re cool with it, because that’s who I am. #relationshipanarchy Of course, that’s also gotten me into many an awkward scenario where I’m super affectionate and my friend ends up liking me romantically and I am definitely just very platonic in my feelings for them.

Anywhoodle, the list goes something like this!

  • Can picture romantic relationship Check
  • excitement, longing. missing the person, anticpation, butterflies? Check x 5
  • wanting to hold hands CHECK
  • wanting to hug/cuddle double check
  • comfort around this person yes ❤
  • have imagined kissing and it was good even though kissing can squick me out
  • when this person enters into a new relationship and I feel envious … pretty sure romantic feels
  • nervous anxiety – what if too late?? (note: both of us are polyamorous, I was mostly scared she was over me and that made me sad and anxious that I’d realized my feelings too late)